I like the space under the table. It’s where I do some of my best thinking. And dreaming. Sometimes, however, my fat sister interrupts me. Sigh.
No, it’s not weird, or gross, or obscene. It’s how we cats clean ourselves, ok? And it’s far more effective, and far less ridiculous, than dumping me in a sink. Not that anyone cares.
Anyway, it’s perfectly normal. And not funny at all, ok?
Here are some post-bathing pics of a slightly wet dog and a very wet cat.
OK, so, yes, the dog was very smelly. I won’t argue with that at all. And yes, she needed a bath. Badly.
Does that mean I needed a bath too? No, not at all. So why the hell did they dunk me in the sink, then? Yes, the sink. You read that right. The smelly dog gets the royal treatment in the bath, I get my beautiful self cleaned in the sink.
I hate my life. I hate you all. And I hate bath time.
Apparently, cats have an easy life.. Have a look at the pictures below, showing some highlights from an average day in my life, and judge for yourself..
I hate many things. Here is a list of some of the main things I hate:
- Not being fed on time. It doesn’t matter that there’s often still food left in my bowl. Feeding time is feeding time – no excuses.
- Being fed ridiculous junk. See my post earlier about being fed bison.
- Being held under the water tap, above the sink, to rinse poo off my butt hairs. Seriously. There’s no need. Even if I can’t reach it myself, the dog will lick it off. Eventually.
- Being disturbed when trying to sleep. Like when they feel the need to clean the carpet right when I’m taking a nap on it. Or when they feel the need to step on my tail. Bastards.
- Watching the dog hump one of her toys. I won’t ever get those images out of my head.
There are, however, some things I love:
- Being fed on time.
- Being fed treats.
- Catching flies.
- Jumping on the dog or the humans in the middle of the night.
- Enjoying some peace and quiet when the dog is out for a walk.
And then there’s some things I just don’t understand. I’ve already posted about this before, but here’s a few more things that confuse the hell out of me:
- The dog’s strange licking obsession. Nothing is safe from her tongue. Nothing.
- The dog’s strange obsession with going for walks. It’s like she’s expecting to walk straight to the gates of dog paradise whenever they get her leash out. It’s just pavement, stupid.
- Art. I just don’t get it.
- Other cats. What drives them, what motivates them, what are they all about? I don’t get them.
- Why humans put shoelaces in shoes. They’re so fun and stringy, why hide most of their stringiness away in useless pieces of footwear?
Lately, I feel like I’m being judged constantly. And unfairly.
OK, so I like dropping random objects (bits of wrappers, bottle caps, pieces of plastic) into my water bowl. Big deal. Does that make me weird? Of course not. Lots of cats do it all the time. Note to all those self-proclaimed ‘cat behaviour specialists’: it’s just a hobby – don’t try to psychoanalyse me. Do I try and attribute a meaning to your strange habit of putting differently coloured clothes into different laundry baskets? No, I don’t.
OK, so I like chasing my own tail from time to time. Big deal. Does that make me weird? Of course not. Lots of cats do it all the time. At least it’s not as weird as spending half an hour running on a treadmill, without going anywhere. But hey, each to their own. I’m not judging you.
OK, so I like making weird noises in the middle of the night. Big deal. Does that make me weird? Of course not. Lots of cats do it all the time. If you ask me – not that anyone ever does – it’s nowhere near as strange as singing into a microphone connected to the TV, while strumming on a fake guitar. Do I judge you for that? Perhaps a little.
And anyway, the dog is about a thousand times as weird as me.
|Domestic Cat||Domestic Dog|
|Species name||Felis catus||Canis lupus familiaris|
|Classification||Order Carnivoria,Suborder Feliformia, Family Felidae||Order Carnivoria,Suborder Caniformia, Family Canidae|
|Closely related species||Wildcat, Jungle cat, Sand cat,Black-footed cat, Chinese Mountain cat||Grey wolf, Red wolf, Side-striped jackal,Golden jackal, Coyote, Black-backed jackal, Ethiopian wolf
Gemuk: domestic pig, pot-bellied pig
|Genome||38 chromosomes,2.8-3.4 billion base pairs (1), ~20,000 genes||78 chromosomes,2.7-3.4 billion base pairs(1), ~25,000-35,000 genes|
|Number of individuals||~220 million globally (2),64.1 million in US (3), 60 million in Europe (4)||~223 million globally (2),63.8 million in US (3), 56 million in Europe (4)|
|Number of breeds||73 IPCBA-recognised, 55 TICA-recognised||161 AKC-recognised, 300-3,000 total|
|Time of domestication||9,500 – 3,600 years ago (5)
Gila: domestication? Yeah, right.
|100,000 – 10,000 years ago (6)
Gemuk: not yet fully domesticated
|Weight||Record: 21kg (7)
|Record: 156kg (8)
Gemuk: 6.1kg (despite her name, that’s towards the lower end of the range for pug bitches)
Gila: faster than Gemuk, when he wants to
Gemuk: slower than Gila, but runs far more often
|Heart rate||120-140bpm||60-100bpm (large breeds), 100-140bpm (small breeds)|
(5) National Geographic News. National Geographic Society. 8 April 2004
(6) Vila et al., 1997
I have pretty much come to terms with the fact that I probably have to spend the rest of my miserable life with humans (and a dog, but I’m going to -mostly- focus on the humans for now). That doesn’t mean, however, that I’m suddenly going to find the crap they do normal. Below is a list of 10 weird things – in no particular order – that the humans I’m forced to share my life with do:
1. Sleep all night
A lot of fun can be had at night. Like running around from room to room, meowing and purring and jumping up and off furniture. Quite why they (and the dog) choose to waste all of it away, asleep, is beyond me
2. Try to communicate with the dog
Seriously. They talk to her all day. As if she listens, or comprehends any of what they’re trying to tell her. She’s too stupid to realise her tail is part of her own body, and they think she understands commands? Fools.
3. Talk to me when I’m asleep
“Gila! Gila, where are you? Oh, there you are! Hello, Gila!”. Look, I’m sleeping, you arseholes. Leave me alone.
4. Talk to me when I’m awake
“Gila! Gila, come here, Gila! Gila!” Yeah, yeah, I heard you the first time. I’ll come when I feel like it. Yelling my name a hundred times isn’t going to make me come over any faster.
5. Spend most of their days outside
It’s cosy inside, and cold outside. It’s windy outside, and perfectly nice inside. There’s food inside, and nothing but smelly cars and annoying humans outside. And yet, they choose to leave the apartment almost every day, and tend to only come back hours later. Sometimes, they even take me along. Fortunately, that doesn’t tend to happen often.
6. Feed me weird crap
..like bison. Seriously, bison. Or fresh fish. Why feed me fresh fish if you can feed me the tinned stuff?
7. Eat weird crap
..like vegetables. Or fruit. Or chocolate. Or rice. They are disgusting beyond belief.
8. Use toilets
What’s wrong with litter boxes? Not good enough for them, maybe? Or too complicated for them?
9. Dress me up
Oh, great, you got me another stupid outfit. Oh, I’m supposed to be grateful, am I? Thank you. Thank you very much, arseholes.
10. Pick me up at random times
If I wanted to be transported around the apartment, I would ask for it. I am actually perfectly capable of walking around on my own, thank you very much. Now put me down. Arseholes.
A few months ago, the humans bought this rather strange cat toy, which they refer to as ‘Roomba’. It’s quite big for a toy, and I wasn’t too sure what to think of it at first. Curiously, it seems to have a mind of its own, navigating the room with seemingly no input from anyone else. The most entertaining part is definitely this rotating brush thingy, which I love to try and catch in my paws. Sometimes, when I manage to catch the brush and stop it from moving, Roomba rewards me with a little jingle, something about ‘error #6’, and passes out. All very strange, but quite fun – until it runs out of energy and goes to sleep. My idiot sister likes to bark at Roomba – but she likes to bark at most things, and – annoyingly – at me.
- Fun: 4/5
- Surprise factor: 4/5
- Value for money: 1/5 (probably one of the most expensive cat toys I have ever seen)
- Audio: 4/5
- Total: 3.3/5