Under the Table and Dreaming

I like the space under the table. It’s where I do some of my best thinking. And dreaming. Sometimes, however, my fat sister interrupts me. Sigh.

Just hanging out.

Just hanging out.

Go away, I'm thinking.

Go away, I’m thinking.

Shoo, dog. Shoo.

Shoo, dog. Shoo.

Leave me alone.

Leave me alone.


Beach! Yay! Sand! Yay! Pee! Yay!

We went on a weekend trip to Asbury Park! Yay! My brother Gila and me and the humans! On the train! They put me in my red box. I don’t really mind, though sometimes I get a little impatient, and then I start scratching the mesh on the box like a rabid dog! I don’t have rabies, though. The vet gave me shots for rabies, so I have nice bling on my harness that says ‘rabies’ on it. Gila has nice bling on his harness too. Gila is a cat. He came along too, on the train. Yay! We stayed in a nice place, where they had a very nice bed and very soft pillows.


There were cats who lived in the place! They didn’t look anything like Gila, though. Gila is my brother, and he looks crazy.

Not so crazy.

We went walkies (jalan-jalan! yay!) lots of times. We went to a doggie beach, and I really loved running in the sand and jumping up and down and charging and sprinting and generally being a crazy puppy!

Beach! Woah!

We also walked along a strange road made out of wood. It was fun! I like walking. Yay!

Strange but fun

When we went back to the beach, I made lots of doggie friends. One of them was a street dog from Puerto Rico. His humans had brought him back to Jersey. He was about my size, but more fluffy, and he wore a nice coat with bones on it. I like bones! Yay! He was very funny and friendly, and he peed on me.

I got peed on!

Cats & Dogs

Domestic Cat Domestic Dog
Species name Felis catus Canis lupus familiaris
Classification Order Carnivoria,Suborder Feliformia, Family Felidae Order Carnivoria,Suborder Caniformia, Family Canidae
Closely related species Wildcat, Jungle cat, Sand cat,Black-footed cat, Chinese Mountain cat

Gila: owl

Grey wolf, Red wolf, Side-striped jackal,Golden jackal, Coyote, Black-backed jackal, Ethiopian wolf

Gemuk: domestic pig, pot-bellied pig

Genome 38 chromosomes,2.8-3.4 billion base pairs (1), ~20,000 genes 78 chromosomes,2.7-3.4 billion base pairs(1), ~25,000-35,000 genes
Number of individuals ~220 million globally (2),64.1 million in US (3), 60 million in Europe (4) ~223 million globally (2),63.8 million in US (3), 56 million in Europe (4)
Number of breeds 73 IPCBA-recognised, 55 TICA-recognised 161 AKC-recognised, 300-3,000 total
Time of domestication 9,500 – 3,600 years ago (5)

Gila: domestication? Yeah, right.

100,000 – 10,000 years ago (6)

Gemuk: not yet fully domesticated

Weight Record: 21kg (7)

Gila: 3.5kg

Record: 156kg (8)

Gemuk: 6.1kg (despite her name, that’s towards the lower end of the range for pug bitches)

Running speed 48km/h

Gila: faster than Gemuk, when he wants to

63km/h (greyhound)

Gemuk: slower than Gila, but runs far more often

Body temperature 38.6C 38-39.2C
Heart rate 120-140bpm 60-100bpm (large breeds), 100-140bpm (small breeds)

(1) genomesize.com

(2) Vetnosis.com

(3) petfinder.com

(4) FEDIAF.org

(5) National Geographic News. National Geographic Society. 8 April 2004

(6) Vila et al., 1997

(7) cat-world.com.au

(8) worldslargestdog1.com


My favourite, favourite, favourite thing to do in the whole world is to go walkies! Jalan-jalan! That means walkies! I’m Gemuk! That means fat! I love jalan-jalan! I love it more than anything else, except maybe food, Gila, the humans, sleeping, my toys, treats and.. I love treats! I love them almost as much as jalan-jalan! Walkies! I love jalan-jalan! Today, I went jalan-jalan! That means walkies! I went jalan-jalan to the pet shop, to buy treats! I love treats! And we bought a toy for Gila! I love Gila! I love toys! And we walked back from the pet shop! Walkies! Lots of people said I’m cute! Lots of people always want to hug me when I go walkies! Jalan-jalan! Sometimes, I meet other dogs who are walking. Sometimes, I sniff their butt. Sometimes, they sniff my butt. The other dogs all walk more slowly than me. I like running. I love running! Jalan-jalan! I love treats!

Jalan-jalan! Walkies! Woooo! Wooo!

Weird shit humans do..

I have pretty much come to terms with the fact that I probably have to spend the rest of my miserable life with humans (and a dog, but I’m going to -mostly- focus on the humans for now). That doesn’t mean, however, that I’m suddenly going to find the crap they do normal. Below is a list of 10 weird things – in no particular order – that the humans I’m forced to share my life with do:

1. Sleep all night
A lot of fun can be had at night. Like running around from room to room, meowing and purring and jumping up and off furniture. Quite why they (and the dog) choose to waste all of it away, asleep, is beyond me

2. Try to communicate with the dog
Seriously. They talk to her all day. As if she listens, or comprehends any of what they’re trying to tell her. She’s too stupid to realise her tail is part of her own body, and they think she understands commands? Fools.

Does not understand anything.

3. Talk to me when I’m asleep
“Gila! Gila, where are you? Oh, there you are! Hello, Gila!”. Look, I’m sleeping, you arseholes. Leave me alone.

Shut up. Just shut up.

4. Talk to me when I’m awake
“Gila! Gila, come here, Gila! Gila!” Yeah, yeah, I heard you the first time. I’ll come when I feel like it. Yelling my name a hundred times isn’t going to make me come over any faster.

5. Spend most of their days outside
It’s cosy inside, and cold outside. It’s windy outside, and perfectly nice inside. There’s food inside, and nothing but smelly cars and annoying humans outside. And yet, they choose to leave the apartment almost every day, and tend to only come back hours later. Sometimes, they even take me along. Fortunately, that doesn’t tend to happen often.

Outside sucks.

6. Feed me weird crap
..like bison. Seriously, bison. Or fresh fish. Why feed me fresh fish if you can feed me the tinned stuff?

7. Eat weird crap
..like vegetables. Or fruit. Or chocolate. Or rice. They are disgusting beyond belief.

See any cats nearby? No? That's because this is not cat food.

8. Use toilets
What’s wrong with litter boxes? Not good enough for them, maybe? Or too complicated for them?

9. Dress me up
Oh, great, you got me another stupid outfit. Oh, I’m supposed to be grateful, am I? Thank you. Thank you very much, arseholes.

Nothing to see here.

10. Pick me up at random times
If I wanted to be transported around the apartment, I would ask for it. I am actually perfectly capable of walking around on my own, thank you very much. Now put me down. Arseholes.

1 year of living with my awesome family!

1 year ago today, I joined my new family! I don’t really know what a year means, but apparently it’s very important and stuff. And fun! I’ve done a lot of really, really interesting and fun things during my first year of living with those two crazy people (and cat, for some of it). And fun! And interesting! I remember when I first joined my new family, it was very cold. And it’s very cold now too. So funny! One year ago, I was very small. I’m still quite small, but also quite fat. That’s my name. Gemuk! I’m bigger than my brother. And fatter. But not much. Look below at all the fun I had in the past year, in the form of my own personalised calendar-thingy! Yeah!

The art of appreciating the mundane

Humans are so wasteful. Or, to be more specific, the humans I’m forced to share an apartment with are so wasteful. Nearly every day, I see them throw away empty cardboard boxes, or empty paper bags. Perfectly good empty paper bags. Perfectly good, usable, empty paper bags. The other day, I decided enough was enough. If they were going to throw away this paper bag, they were going to have to throw me away with it. Needless to say, they didn’t.

Mine. All mine.

They just waited until I got hungry and walked over to my food bowl, and then threw away the bag.

What are you looking at?

The bastards. They know me too well.



Rolling on my back while being tickled is endless fun. Sometimes, Gila joins in. He doesn’t seem to really get it, though. The games he likes playing are very weird. Cats are very weird. Gila is a cat, but he looks like a dog. Sometimes, he pounces on me out of nowhere, and then chases me through the apartment, which is awesome fun. When he catches me, and I chew on his fur to return the favour, he screams like a little baby. And then comes back for more. I think he’s a bit funny in the head. I think I’m a bit funny in the head too. Apparently, all pugs are a bit funny in the head. I like being tickled. I like my bones. I have lots of bones, and I like chewing on them. Gila doesn’t have any bones. He doesn’t like bones. Cats are very weird. Gila is a cat, but he acts like a dog. A weird dog. He has lots of strange toys that smell like the stuff that cat stuff smells like. The smell makes him go all funny in the head. I don’t need that smell to go funny in the head. Apparently, I was born this way.


Christmas is a waste of time.

So, it was Christmas earlier this week. Big deal.

Pretty much as soon as the humans woke up, they started harassing me. I wasn’t really in the mood for any stupid games – I hadn’t slept well the night before, for reasons that I won’t dwell on here. Anyway, they picked me up and put this stupid green and red collar around me. Not only did it make me look like someone that had just run away from a jesters’ convention, its many bells also made this horrible clinking noise whenever I dared move.

Sensing further impending dreadfulness, I hid in the couch. In the meantime, my idiot sister was prancing around like an absolute retard in a.. wait for it.. Christmas tree suit. Nice. Really classy.

I tried to hide, I really did, but they found me every time I retreated to a different spot. For some reason, they found it necessary to show me off to their families back home, using their laptops and iPads and whatnot. Yeah, it wasn’t bad putting a stupid freaking gaudy collar around my neck, they also felt it necessary to humiliate me in public, to an international audience. Great.

Anyway, they tried to cheer me up, and eventually resorted to bribery with a toy. A toy filled with catnip. A soft, crinkly toy, with a fuzzy tail, filled with catnip.

Guess what, it worked.


I'm a sucker for catnip.

What can I say.. I like catnip. Gets me every time. I can’t fight it. And they know it.

Damn them. Damn them and their jolly ways. Damn them and their bribery.

I guess, in the end, the day could have been worse. They could have dressed ME up in a bloody Father Christmas suit.


Not me, thankfully.