I like the space under the table. It’s where I do some of my best thinking. And dreaming. Sometimes, however, my fat sister interrupts me. Sigh.
Host: Hello, and welcome to our show. We have two very special guests here with us tonight: Gemuk the pug and Gila the.. I’m sorry, what are you again?
Gila: I’m an exotic shorthair. You’re retarded.
Host: An exotic shorthair, that’s right. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Gemuk the pug and Gila the exotic shorthair!
Host: So, Gemuk and Gila, tell us a little bit about yourselves. First of all, how do you know each other?
Gila: I was forced to live with her…
Gemuk: He’s my brother! Yay!
Gila: Yes, as hard as it may be to believe, that unfortunately appears to be the case.
Host: Why do you say it’s hard to believe?
Gila: Are you serious? Look at her. Then look at me. Enough said.
Host: I’m not sure I get your point. You’re both black..
Gila: I’m not black, I’m a very dark shade of..
Gemuk: We’re both black! Yay! I’m hungry!
Host: Well, quite.. You’re both black, and you both have adorable smushed up faces.
Gila: I’m not adorable.
Gemuk: I like faces. I’m going to lick your face!
Host: That won’t be necessary. Now, where were.. hey, watch what you do with that tongue.. hey!
Gila: Can you believe I have to put up with that every day?
Gila: What the hell are you laughing at? How is that funny? She’s a bloody licking machine!
Host: Get her off me! My face!
Gila: It’s some sort of obsessive-compulsive behavioural pattern, I tell you. I’m pretty sure she’s so far advanced, she’s beyond help. And the licking is probably the least of her problems..
Host: Urrrrrgh! Ok, that’s enough, please! Gila, you don’t seem to..ugh, Gemuk, stop, please… Gila, you don’t seem to.. think very highly of your sister?
Gila: You think? She’s an idiot.
Host: I have been told that you two do quite a lot together.
Gemuk: We play a lot together! Yay!
Host: Well, there you go..
Gila: Play? More like she attacks me, and I run and find cover.
Gemuk: Hide and seek!
Gila: You disgust me.
Host: Cute. Am I right in stating that sometimes you guys get up to no good together?
Gemuk: Sometimes, he smells of poo-poo.
Gila: Please just ignore her. Anyway, yes, sometimes I use her as a pawn in my evil schemes.
Host: For example?
Gila: That information is classified.
Gemuk: Sometimes, his fur is covered in poo-poo.
Gila: Shut up, bitch.
Host: Now now, there is no need for such language on this show,..
Gila: But that’s what she is. A bitch. A spayed bitch. Go check with the vet, he’s got it in his files. The same files that say I’m awesome.
Gemuk: His wee-wee got snipped off. Yay!
Gila: That’s it, I’m out of here.
Host: Please, Gila, this interview isn’t over yet. Now.. hey! Help! Arrgh!
(Gemuk: Slobber slobber slobber slobber schluuuurp!)
(Audience: Roaring Laughter. Applause)
The humans took me to the vet today. Not quite sure why, as I’m the epitome of health.
No, really, I am.
The vet was extremely impressed with my physique. He said I looked incredibly fit, and obviously well taken care of (of course – I have trained my servants well).
He was also completely in awe with the beauty of my wonderful coat, and he wasn’t the only one. The nurses all agreed that they couldn’t remember the last time they had seen a cat with such stunning coat. Their words, not mine. It is therefore proven once and for all: I am awesome.
I couldn’t help but notice that, despite my idiot sister also being there, I was the only one receiving compliments. The vet and nurses clearly don’t care much for smelly, chubby, overly excited dogs. What can I say? Some of us are born beautiful, others simply have to make do with mediocrity. I suppose it’s not her fault.
She’s still annoying, though.
No, it’s not weird, or gross, or obscene. It’s how we cats clean ourselves, ok? And it’s far more effective, and far less ridiculous, than dumping me in a sink. Not that anyone cares.
Anyway, it’s perfectly normal. And not funny at all, ok?
Here are some post-bathing pics of a slightly wet dog and a very wet cat.
OK, so, yes, the dog was very smelly. I won’t argue with that at all. And yes, she needed a bath. Badly.
Does that mean I needed a bath too? No, not at all. So why the hell did they dunk me in the sink, then? Yes, the sink. You read that right. The smelly dog gets the royal treatment in the bath, I get my beautiful self cleaned in the sink.
I hate my life. I hate you all. And I hate bath time.
Apparently, cats have an easy life.. Have a look at the pictures below, showing some highlights from an average day in my life, and judge for yourself..
I hate many things. Here is a list of some of the main things I hate:
- Not being fed on time. It doesn’t matter that there’s often still food left in my bowl. Feeding time is feeding time – no excuses.
- Being fed ridiculous junk. See my post earlier about being fed bison.
- Being held under the water tap, above the sink, to rinse poo off my butt hairs. Seriously. There’s no need. Even if I can’t reach it myself, the dog will lick it off. Eventually.
- Being disturbed when trying to sleep. Like when they feel the need to clean the carpet right when I’m taking a nap on it. Or when they feel the need to step on my tail. Bastards.
- Watching the dog hump one of her toys. I won’t ever get those images out of my head.
There are, however, some things I love:
- Being fed on time.
- Being fed treats.
- Catching flies.
- Jumping on the dog or the humans in the middle of the night.
- Enjoying some peace and quiet when the dog is out for a walk.
And then there’s some things I just don’t understand. I’ve already posted about this before, but here’s a few more things that confuse the hell out of me:
- The dog’s strange licking obsession. Nothing is safe from her tongue. Nothing.
- The dog’s strange obsession with going for walks. It’s like she’s expecting to walk straight to the gates of dog paradise whenever they get her leash out. It’s just pavement, stupid.
- Art. I just don’t get it.
- Other cats. What drives them, what motivates them, what are they all about? I don’t get them.
- Why humans put shoelaces in shoes. They’re so fun and stringy, why hide most of their stringiness away in useless pieces of footwear?
Lately, I feel like I’m being judged constantly. And unfairly.
OK, so I like dropping random objects (bits of wrappers, bottle caps, pieces of plastic) into my water bowl. Big deal. Does that make me weird? Of course not. Lots of cats do it all the time. Note to all those self-proclaimed ‘cat behaviour specialists’: it’s just a hobby – don’t try to psychoanalyse me. Do I try and attribute a meaning to your strange habit of putting differently coloured clothes into different laundry baskets? No, I don’t.
OK, so I like chasing my own tail from time to time. Big deal. Does that make me weird? Of course not. Lots of cats do it all the time. At least it’s not as weird as spending half an hour running on a treadmill, without going anywhere. But hey, each to their own. I’m not judging you.
OK, so I like making weird noises in the middle of the night. Big deal. Does that make me weird? Of course not. Lots of cats do it all the time. If you ask me – not that anyone ever does – it’s nowhere near as strange as singing into a microphone connected to the TV, while strumming on a fake guitar. Do I judge you for that? Perhaps a little.
And anyway, the dog is about a thousand times as weird as me.