I like the space under the table. It’s where I do some of my best thinking. And dreaming. Sometimes, however, my fat sister interrupts me. Sigh.
The humans left me a new toy the other day. As per usual, they didn’t even have the decency to give it to me – I had to go find it myself, abandoned as it was on the table in the lounge. I have to admit: I was pleasantly surprised. The built quality of this toy is excellent, and it proved to be hugely entertaining. I also appreciate the fact that it’s small enough for me to easily manipulate with my paws, and even hold in my mouth when I want to carry it somewhere (to dump it in my water bowl, for example). I’m not a big fan of the colour (the shiny golden surface makes it a bit tacky), but that’s only a minor complaint.
All in all, a pretty nice Christmas gift, even though it came almost a week late.
Entertainment value: 5/5
Value for money: 5/5
So, it was that time of the year again.. my stupid sister had her birthday, and the humans thought it was a good idea to celebrate (as if something as insignificant as that is worth celebrating!) by throwing a party and inviting a bunch of other humans. Seems like only last month when she had her first birthday, and I was forced to wear a stupid blue hat all night long.. very demeaning.
At least things couldn’t get worse this year round, right?
They thought it was funny for me to wear not one, but two stupid little hats. I mean, do they even understand how uncomfortable those elastic straps are for my sensitive physique?
I also had to wear some kind of ugly yellow napkin with stupid drawings of cupcakes on it. Very classy. Very stylish.
Anyway, as much as I hated the whole experience, I guess it won’t kill me to lower myself to her level one day a year, and wish my silly fat sister a very happy birthday. Yay! (Ahem..)
The humans took me to the vet today. Not quite sure why, as I’m the epitome of health.
No, really, I am.
The vet was extremely impressed with my physique. He said I looked incredibly fit, and obviously well taken care of (of course – I have trained my servants well).
He was also completely in awe with the beauty of my wonderful coat, and he wasn’t the only one. The nurses all agreed that they couldn’t remember the last time they had seen a cat with such stunning coat. Their words, not mine. It is therefore proven once and for all: I am awesome.
I couldn’t help but notice that, despite my idiot sister also being there, I was the only one receiving compliments. The vet and nurses clearly don’t care much for smelly, chubby, overly excited dogs. What can I say? Some of us are born beautiful, others simply have to make do with mediocrity. I suppose it’s not her fault.
She’s still annoying, though.
I don’t have many toys. Very occasionally, the humans will bring me a new one. Usually, they suck.
This was one of the rare occasions, however, when they brought me something that was actually half decent.
It was a green box, with the face of a strange white kitty on it. Inside the box was a strange glass bottle, which I was happy for the humans to get rid of. The box was the real toy, and it managed to entertain me for well over half an hour, until I grew bored with it.
Sometimes, those humans are actually pretty good at knowing what I want. Most of the time, they haven’t got a clue, though.
Design: 4/5 – nice six-sided construction, interesting colour, though the kitten face is a little unrealistic (some might say cartoony)
Fun factor: 4/5 – quite entertaining, and easy to play with, while still posing enough of a challenge
Durability: 3/5 – resisted most of my attacks, but prone to flattening under stress
Value for money: 2/5 – pretty expensive for a small cardboard box, really
No, it’s not weird, or gross, or obscene. It’s how we cats clean ourselves, ok? And it’s far more effective, and far less ridiculous, than dumping me in a sink. Not that anyone cares.
Anyway, it’s perfectly normal. And not funny at all, ok?
OK, so, yes, the dog was very smelly. I won’t argue with that at all. And yes, she needed a bath. Badly.
Does that mean I needed a bath too? No, not at all. So why the hell did they dunk me in the sink, then? Yes, the sink. You read that right. The smelly dog gets the royal treatment in the bath, I get my beautiful self cleaned in the sink.
I hate my life. I hate you all. And I hate bath time.
Apparently, cats have an easy life.. Have a look at the pictures below, showing some highlights from an average day in my life, and judge for yourself..
I hate many things. Here is a list of some of the main things I hate:
- Not being fed on time. It doesn’t matter that there’s often still food left in my bowl. Feeding time is feeding time – no excuses.
- Being fed ridiculous junk. See my post earlier about being fed bison.
- Being held under the water tap, above the sink, to rinse poo off my butt hairs. Seriously. There’s no need. Even if I can’t reach it myself, the dog will lick it off. Eventually.
- Being disturbed when trying to sleep. Like when they feel the need to clean the carpet right when I’m taking a nap on it. Or when they feel the need to step on my tail. Bastards.
- Watching the dog hump one of her toys. I won’t ever get those images out of my head.
There are, however, some things I love:
- Being fed on time.
- Being fed treats.
- Catching flies.
- Jumping on the dog or the humans in the middle of the night.
- Enjoying some peace and quiet when the dog is out for a walk.
And then there’s some things I just don’t understand. I’ve already posted about this before, but here’s a few more things that confuse the hell out of me:
- The dog’s strange licking obsession. Nothing is safe from her tongue. Nothing.
- The dog’s strange obsession with going for walks. It’s like she’s expecting to walk straight to the gates of dog paradise whenever they get her leash out. It’s just pavement, stupid.
- Art. I just don’t get it.
- Other cats. What drives them, what motivates them, what are they all about? I don’t get them.
- Why humans put shoelaces in shoes. They’re so fun and stringy, why hide most of their stringiness away in useless pieces of footwear?
Lately, I feel like I’m being judged constantly. And unfairly.
OK, so I like dropping random objects (bits of wrappers, bottle caps, pieces of plastic) into my water bowl. Big deal. Does that make me weird? Of course not. Lots of cats do it all the time. Note to all those self-proclaimed ‘cat behaviour specialists’: it’s just a hobby – don’t try to psychoanalyse me. Do I try and attribute a meaning to your strange habit of putting differently coloured clothes into different laundry baskets? No, I don’t.
OK, so I like chasing my own tail from time to time. Big deal. Does that make me weird? Of course not. Lots of cats do it all the time. At least it’s not as weird as spending half an hour running on a treadmill, without going anywhere. But hey, each to their own. I’m not judging you.
OK, so I like making weird noises in the middle of the night. Big deal. Does that make me weird? Of course not. Lots of cats do it all the time. If you ask me – not that anyone ever does – it’s nowhere near as strange as singing into a microphone connected to the TV, while strumming on a fake guitar. Do I judge you for that? Perhaps a little.
And anyway, the dog is about a thousand times as weird as me.