Post-bath Mayhem

Here are some post-bathing pics of a slightly wet dog and a very wet cat.
Enjoy.

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I hate my life. And bath time. I hate you all.

OK, so, yes, the dog was very smelly. I won’t argue with that at all. And yes, she needed a bath. Badly.

Fine.

Does that mean I needed a bath too? No, not at all. So why the hell did they dunk me in the sink, then? Yes, the sink. You read that right. The smelly dog gets the royal treatment in the bath, I get my beautiful self cleaned in the sink.

I hate my life. I hate you all. And I hate bath time.

Please let it end.

Oh, the humiliation.

Ugh…

Yeah. Very funny.

That’s PUPPY shampoo. Sigh.

I hate my life.

Ok, I think that’s enough.

Let me out. Please.

I hate you. Hate you all.

I love bath time! Yay!

I was a smelly dog! Yay! And today was bath time! Yay! I love bath time! I love my bone, and treats, and walkies! I went walkies today! And I had a bath! Yay! I am no longer a smelly dog! I love bath time! Yay! Can I have a treat, hmm?

Flrrrrp.

Mmmzz.

Treat?

Hzzzhm.

Aaaahh.

Flpflpflp.

Lpplpshlurp.

Aaaahhhh.

Flrgh.

Sssslrrp.

Blerrrgsh.

A day in my life

Apparently, cats have an easy life.. Have a look at the pictures below, showing some highlights from an average day in my life, and judge for yourself..

Morning stretch, after a visit to the bathroom. Risky – the dog could pounce on me at any time.

Quick staring contest with the dog.

Playing with cat toys is very, very tiring.

Looking for something to attack.

Staring at imaginary creatures.

Getting ready to pounce on the dog.

Chilling with my idiot sister.

Grooming the dog. Tiring!

Taking a nap, after a hard day of being a cat.

Hatred, love and confusion

I hate many things. Here is a list of some of the main things I hate:

1. Not being fed on time. It doesn’t matter that there’s often still food left in my bowl. Feeding time is feeding time – no excuses.
2. Being fed ridiculous junk. See my post earlier about being fed bison.
3. Being held under the water tap, above the sink, to rinse poo off my butt hairs. Seriously. There’s no need. Even if I can’t reach it myself, the dog will lick it off. Eventually.
   

   Known to lick poo.

4. Being disturbed when trying to sleep. Like when they feel the need to clean the carpet right when I’m taking a nap on it. Or when they feel the need to step on my tail. Bastards.
5. Watching the dog hump one of her toys. I won’t ever get those images out of my head.

There are, however, some things I love:

1. Being fed on time.
2. Being fed treats.
3. Catching flies.
4. Jumping on the dog or the humans in the middle of the night.
5. Enjoying some peace and quiet when the dog is out for a walk.

And then there’s some things I just don’t understand. I’ve already posted about this before, but here’s a few more things that confuse the hell out of me:

1. The dog’s strange licking obsession. Nothing is safe from her tongue. Nothing.
2. The dog’s strange obsession with going for walks. It’s like she’s expecting to walk straight to the gates of dog paradise whenever they get her leash out. It’s just pavement, stupid.
3. Art. I just don’t get it.
   

   Don't get it.

4. Other cats. What drives them, what motivates them, what are they all about? I don’t get them.
5. Why humans put shoelaces in shoes. They’re so fun and stringy, why hide most of their stringiness away in useless pieces of footwear?

I’m pretty!

The humans went somewhere, I dunno where, and when they came back, they had a new head-thing for me! Yay! I like wearing things on my head! Yay! I’m so pretty! Yay!

Kiss me!

Gila got a toy. I think he’s jealous. Yeah. Yay!

Kiss me?

Judge not, lest ye be judged

Lately, I feel like I’m being judged constantly. And unfairly.

OK, so I like dropping random objects (bits of wrappers, bottle caps, pieces of plastic) into my water bowl. Big deal. Does that make me weird? Of course not. Lots of cats do it all the time. Note to all those self-proclaimed ‘cat behaviour specialists’: it’s just a hobby – don’t try to psychoanalyse me. Do I try and attribute a meaning to your strange habit of putting differently coloured clothes into different laundry baskets? No, I don’t.

Not weird

OK, so I like chasing my own tail from time to time. Big deal. Does that make me weird? Of course not. Lots of cats do it all the time. At least it’s not as weird as spending half an hour running on a treadmill, without going anywhere. But hey, each to their own. I’m not judging you.

OK, so I like making weird noises in the middle of the night. Big deal. Does that make me weird? Of course not. Lots of cats do it all the time. If you ask me – not that anyone ever does – it’s nowhere near as strange as singing into a microphone connected to the TV, while strumming on a fake guitar. Do I judge you for that? Perhaps a little.

And anyway, the dog is about a thousand times as weird as me.

Weird

Cats & Dogs

	Domestic Cat	Domestic Dog
Species name	Felis catus	Canis lupus familiaris
Classification	Order Carnivoria,Suborder Feliformia, Family Felidae	Order Carnivoria,Suborder Caniformia, Family Canidae
Closely related species	Wildcat, Jungle cat, Sand cat,Black-footed cat, Chinese Mountain cat Gila: owl	Grey wolf, Red wolf, Side-striped jackal,Golden jackal, Coyote, Black-backed jackal, Ethiopian wolf Gemuk: domestic pig, pot-bellied pig
Genome	38 chromosomes,2.8-3.4 billion base pairs (1), ~20,000 genes	78 chromosomes,2.7-3.4 billion base pairs(1), ~25,000-35,000 genes
Number of individuals	~220 million globally (2),64.1 million in US (3), 60 million in Europe (4)	~223 million globally (2),63.8 million in US (3), 56 million in Europe (4)
Number of breeds	73 IPCBA-recognised, 55 TICA-recognised	161 AKC-recognised, 300-3,000 total
Time of domestication	9,500 – 3,600 years ago (5) Gila: domestication? Yeah, right.	100,000 – 10,000 years ago (6) Gemuk: not yet fully domesticated
Weight	Record: 21kg (7) Gila: 3.5kg	Record: 156kg (8) Gemuk: 6.1kg (despite her name, that’s towards the lower end of the range for pug bitches)
Running speed	48km/h Gila: faster than Gemuk, when he wants to	63km/h (greyhound) Gemuk: slower than Gila, but runs far more often
Body temperature	38.6C	38-39.2C
Heart rate	120-140bpm	60-100bpm (large breeds), 100-140bpm (small breeds)

(1) genomesize.com

(2) Vetnosis.com

(3) petfinder.com

(4) FEDIAF.org

(5) National Geographic News. National Geographic Society. 8 April 2004

(6) Vila et al., 1997

(7) cat-world.com.au

(8) worldslargestdog1.com

Jalan-jalan!

My favourite, favourite, favourite thing to do in the whole world is to go walkies! Jalan-jalan! That means walkies! I’m Gemuk! That means fat! I love jalan-jalan! I love it more than anything else, except maybe food, Gila, the humans, sleeping, my toys, treats and.. I love treats! I love them almost as much as jalan-jalan! Walkies! I love jalan-jalan! Today, I went jalan-jalan! That means walkies! I went jalan-jalan to the pet shop, to buy treats! I love treats! And we bought a toy for Gila! I love Gila! I love toys! And we walked back from the pet shop! Walkies! Lots of people said I’m cute! Lots of people always want to hug me when I go walkies! Jalan-jalan! Sometimes, I meet other dogs who are walking. Sometimes, I sniff their butt. Sometimes, they sniff my butt. The other dogs all walk more slowly than me. I like running. I love running! Jalan-jalan! I love treats!

Jalan-jalan! Walkies! Woooo! Wooo!

Weird shit humans do..

I have pretty much come to terms with the fact that I probably have to spend the rest of my miserable life with humans (and a dog, but I’m going to -mostly- focus on the humans for now). That doesn’t mean, however, that I’m suddenly going to find the crap they do normal. Below is a list of 10 weird things – in no particular order – that the humans I’m forced to share my life with do:

1. Sleep all night
A lot of fun can be had at night. Like running around from room to room, meowing and purring and jumping up and off furniture. Quite why they (and the dog) choose to waste all of it away, asleep, is beyond me

2. Try to communicate with the dog
Seriously. They talk to her all day. As if she listens, or comprehends any of what they’re trying to tell her. She’s too stupid to realise her tail is part of her own body, and they think she understands commands? Fools.

Does not understand anything.

3. Talk to me when I’m asleep
“Gila! Gila, where are you? Oh, there you are! Hello, Gila!”. Look, I’m sleeping, you arseholes. Leave me alone.

Shut up. Just shut up.

4. Talk to me when I’m awake
“Gila! Gila, come here, Gila! Gila!” Yeah, yeah, I heard you the first time. I’ll come when I feel like it. Yelling my name a hundred times isn’t going to make me come over any faster.

5. Spend most of their days outside
It’s cosy inside, and cold outside. It’s windy outside, and perfectly nice inside. There’s food inside, and nothing but smelly cars and annoying humans outside. And yet, they choose to leave the apartment almost every day, and tend to only come back hours later. Sometimes, they even take me along. Fortunately, that doesn’t tend to happen often.

Outside sucks.

6. Feed me weird crap
..like bison. Seriously, bison. Or fresh fish. Why feed me fresh fish if you can feed me the tinned stuff?

7. Eat weird crap
..like vegetables. Or fruit. Or chocolate. Or rice. They are disgusting beyond belief.

See any cats nearby? No? That's because this is not cat food.

8. Use toilets
What’s wrong with litter boxes? Not good enough for them, maybe? Or too complicated for them?

9. Dress me up
Oh, great, you got me another stupid outfit. Oh, I’m supposed to be grateful, am I? Thank you. Thank you very much, arseholes.

Nothing to see here.

10. Pick me up at random times
If I wanted to be transported around the apartment, I would ask for it. I am actually perfectly capable of walking around on my own, thank you very much. Now put me down. Arseholes.